


The Tension and the Terror

by notsodarling



Series: A Million Other Things [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes POV, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-02 01:52:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17878844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsodarling/pseuds/notsodarling
Summary: Alex tries to work through his own insecurities.





	The Tension and the Terror

**Author's Note:**

> This fandom sucked me in, and hasn't let me go. I started writing this almost immediately after 1x05 aired, and then reading a interview Tyler Blackburn did gave me an idea about Alex, so I ran with it and worked it into this.
> 
> It's been YEARS since I've written anything that I've loved enough to publish on here, so I hope you all enjoy it! <3

            Alex doubted Kyle’s instance that he was the bravest person he knew. Nothing in his life outside the Air Force felt particularly brave. Certainly not his inability to stand up to his father. Or how he'd joined the Air Force just to try and gain some sort of twisted approval from the Sergeant Master instead. And definitely not his feelings for Michael Guerin and the vitriol he'd spewed at the one person he loved most in the world. Everyone considered him brave for joining the Air Force. For serving. For losing the lower part of his leg in Iraq. It made everyone look at him differently though, treat him differently. And yet even now, 10 years later, here he was - some part of him still seeking out the approval of his father as if it mattered. His father still looked at him like a disappointment and an embarrassment, speaking to Alex as if his entire worth was in that Purple Heart he'd received for getting a part of his body blown off.

            Nothing was what he expected these days. He'd returned to Roswell thinking - believing - that Michael would be long gone, off changing the world with that genius brain of his. Because Alex wasn't sure if he'd have returned to Roswell at all if he'd known Michael was still there. And maybe that was his problem, or at least part of it. That even now, a decade later and everything that had happened to him, he was still hopelessly irrevocably in love with Michael Guerin. For years he'd tried to forget the boy who'd turned his world upside down, the boy that meant everything. Ran off and joined the Air Force, tried to lose himself in basic training and the simplistic, rigid, repetitive nature of the military. He'd tried, heaven knows, he'd tried so hard to forget that sly smile, those hazel eyes, and wild unruly curls. And in the end, after all that he'd done to try and move on and grow up, all it had taken was the two of them in a secluded corner at the class reunion for it to all come crashing down, and for them to crash together.

            Kissing Michael Guerin again, for the first time in so long, was the first time in so long that something felt right for Alex. They'd gravitated together as though they needed each other to breath, and Alex wondered how he'd gone so long without. Nothing else in the world mattered when Michael was kissing him - it was every other time that was the problem. When he had to pretend to care about the expectations and responsibilities heaped upon him by his father, by the Air Force, by the entire town of Roswell. Maybe in another lifetime things were simpler, where he and Michael could just be.

            Sleeping in the too-small bed in the Airstream had been less than ideal, and there had been days he'd wanted, oh how he'd wanted, to stay afterward. Night after night they'd crashed together, and as soon as Alex was sure Michael was asleep he'd run his fingers through those curls one last time, press the lightest of kisses to his forehead, his cheek, his lips, before finally slipping out the door. Until finally, one night, Alex decided to take that step - that tiny step of staying. He wanted to know what it was like to fall asleep next to Michael, to wake up next to him. He wanted, just for one morning, to imagine what it would be like to have this. And in the morning, he'd woken up curled into Michael's side, feeling happy, and while them, this, still terrified him, and he wasn't quite ready for everyone else to know about them, waking up next to Michael was something he hadn't dared to imagine ever happening.

            No matter how hard he tries now, he can’t get the image of Michael out of his head from that last morning they’d spent together. His panic over Isobel’s unexpected appearance, of her possibly knowing about the two of them - that was still something Alex himself had to work through. Sometimes it felt like it was just residual left over from when they were seventeen, when he knew he’d be joining the Air Force, when antiquated laws like DADT were still in place, and Alex was terrified of his father finding out, of potentially using it against him.

            They’d existed in each other’s periphery until high school, Michael keeping to his studies, and hanging out mainly with Max and Isobel Evans. And then slowly, Michael had worked his way into Alex’s life, starting with those dumb guitar lessons with Rosa. From there, they’d meet up in the museum, or Michael would invite Alex to see his favorite spot in Roswell - an overlook near the old turquoise mines where they’d spend hours just lamenting how much they hated everything. It had felt so good back then to find someone who just got it, got him. He loved Maria and Liz, but they both had parents who loved them - they couldn’t truly understand the loneliness Alex constantly felt.

            Ten years ago, when he’d told Maria someone had kissed him in the museum, and that he’d never leave Roswell if that someone never stopped kissing him - it was a partial truth. In actuality, he knew he’d follow Michael wherever he went. There was something in the way Michael looked at him, the way Michael watched him that never failed to make Alex feel safe, loved, and worth it. Some tiny, rational part of his brain tried to tell him, still tried to tell him, over and over again, that it was a fool’s errand to tie his happiness to another person. But nothing in his life had ever felt as good, or as right, as when Michael Guerin was kissing him. Home didn’t have to be a place, Maria had reminded him, it could also be a person.

           And of course, thanks to his own insecurities, he'd gone and fucked things up - again. Calling Michael a criminal because his father had, snapping at Michael how good he was at giving him excuses to walk away. All it'd taken was one forced conversation with the Sergeant Master and Alex was again pushing Michael away. Of course Michael had been right that first time outside the Airstream, and Alex hated himself for it. Even after everything, he was still seeking the approval from someone who would never give it, who would never care. His father had a certain idea of what made someone a man, and Alex knew he would never, could never, live up to those expectations, so why bother even continue to try?

            Maybe it was time. Time to stop caring what other people would think. He’d always admired that about Michael, who seemed to have the most who cares attitude out of everyone Alex has ever known. It was the kind of persona Alex had been trying to put out in the world as a teenager, when really at times it felt like he just felt everything too much. He knew it wasn’t going to happen overnight, and he knew that at some point he’d have to try and open up to Michael more about what he was feeling, but it was a start.


End file.
